Do you know pain?

Is there pain, my darling?
Do you feel pain?
Do you know pain?
Does your soul feel like its trapped and can't get out?
Probably not
Do you sit in the middle of hundreds of people and feel like screaming from the inside?
Maybe
But, have you known a feeling
when you can hear your heart shatter piece by piece
like a glass wall, breaking down slowly, letting every crack break it a little more
when your veins are thumping so hard, screaming for you to slice them open
when your brain stops sending every single message to your nervous system- and you are numb

That, is pain. That is heartache.
So,
Is there pain, my darling?
Do you feel pain?
Do you, know pain?

Understanding Pain

Everybody experiences pain. Everybody. For some the magnitude may be a lot more than others but guess what? You can never judge anybody's pain.

Maybe what you think would not hurt you as bad, is hurting them a thousand times more. Everybody has their own mechanism and the way that they function. 

We say that until we have experienced something similar ourselves, we cannot judge what the other person is going through.

I say that even if you have experienced it, you still cannot judge because a pain that hit you 90 percent may be hitting them with a 101 or even a 70. 

So never try to tell someone in pain that you can imagine how they feel because it can never help. When you see someone going through a life swallowing pain, you have to wait. You have to wait for them to choose you. Everybody who goes through something chooses who they want to vent it out to. Plenty of people will come and say that they feel for them, and that they are sorry and they know how hard it must be. But, someone going through that pain will only choose some person that they really want should know how they're feeling. How that pain is killing them from the inside and tearing apart every nerve in their body. 

So, you just have to wait. If that soul looks at you with pain in their eyes and chooses to hug you- only you can really prevent all their pieces from falling apart and softly bandage them back together...

Note to self

Dear 12 year old me,

Hi. This is you when you turn 19. How are you holding up? Well, I dint mean to disturb your extremely busy life- which has studies, sports and family on the mind! Thinking of the Monday test, of the family function you just attended and why your guy friends had suddenly started acting strange! Haah, you naive little one. Sorry for spoiling all the innocence and all the fun, let me save you a few heartbreaks. One, all these friends who tell you to do their homework- they are not going to be around for anything more than that. You must thinking- ofcourse not, they are my sweetest friends. Hello lady, it is all crap and you would know it, eventually. At about 14, you would fall in love. Or atleast you would think you have fallen in love- and no, you have not! I am positive about that. You would thinking about this one guy, all the time. Dream of being with him- forever and ever. All those Taylor Swift songs would have gotten to your head by now and you'd be waiting for the white horse. That particular guy is going to smash your heart all over the place. At this time, you would meet some amazing girls. They would be your family, your everything. It does not stay. You would try your very best to have those special people making you feel the same like they did 2 years back but they won't. I'm sorry, but it is going to be painful. You would come into a different environment and well talk to people. You would talk to a lot of people because you never saw something wrong in just "talking". One day- "poof" that bubble is going to burst. The reality of life is going to drag you pulling your hair. Then, something amazing would happen. After all the bitter pills you swallowed, all the heartbreak you consumed and well a lot of hurt that you gave to people, there is still going to be something good left for you. You would have a wonderful man walk into your life. And he is going to change all of it. He is going to tell you where the "shit" in the bullshit lies. That very man is going to take all those pieces of yours and hold them in his hands. He is going to endure all the pain that comes from holding YOUR pieces with him. And oh my, you're going to really fall in love this time. You will hurt him, so many times. I know, that is the bad part. I am sure you would never want to hurt a good person right now but well, I guess you are not perfect. But, you lucky girl- he would still love you with all he has got. He will want to protect you from everything he thinks can go wrong with you. You would get angry and pissed about why he does what he does, but eventually it will hit you. Eventually you would know that he wanted to hide you from the world because everyone is the world would not be as pure as him. Everyone in the world would be like garbage, thinking of every other person as dirt, too. 

You will go a long way. And, after another 7 years- I am going to write to you again, telling you how you made the right choices and married this man.

Or atleast, I hope this is what I would write that day.

You take care, you're a tigress. 

Love,

Your 19 year old self.

The shameful secret

She laid back and looked at the sky. It was a beautiful shade of black tonight. To her, black had a lot of different shades too. Stars shimmered like artistically woven jewels into a cloth. It gave her a sense of deep satisfaction. It was in the dark she felt the safest. Maybe, it was because all the hideous and unspeakable things had happened to her in broad daylight. But some days back, she had spoken those details out to somebody. She had spoken about the darkest part of her life to someone. Someone, she then did not realize would take her heartbreaking secret and sell it out. "How could I have possibly known?" she wondered tonight. She thought about the starts and if they share secrets. If they get attached to someone and that particular someone destroys their life. Shutting her eyes, she exhaled long and deep. "Let it go"- she whispered to herself. But deep down she knew she wouldn't let go, ever. It wasn't that she was upset about getting her life screwed up, she was broken for shattering his. She could not look at herself in the mirror as to what that secret did to him. How hard he had tried to hold up the pieces of her, everywhere. And now, in one night- how she took the same pieces from him and tossed them in the air. She felt something wet running down her cheeks. The idea of everything, everything that the world or the society stands for ran a hot flash in her body. She wanted to destroy everybody that was a part of it. After a lot of cursing and sobbing, she surrendered herself. To the world, to the society, to the people who were a part of it. She could not go anywhere, there was indeed no escape.
That night, she let the dark sky full of stars take care of her. She let it weave a blanket of not confidence but of consolation. Because, she knew and the sky knew that nothing could help her. 

The bomb maker

He stood over the ruins of his life. Stood over what was left of it. The memory relentlessly thrust upon him, he fell back into his chair. Thinking, criticizing and going over all the tantalizing details of the event. He had killed 62 innocent people. No matter how hard he tried to register this in his mind, he could not let it pass through his consciousness. On another thought, he did this in the first place now, didn't he? He signed up for the inhuman act. He switched on the old television in front of him. It had lost all its lusture which was now converted to a thick layer of dust. "I was fucking desperate for the money"- he thought to himself. He slowly picked his body up, with the shameless strength and life left in it and walked up to his wardrobe. He picked put the belt he wore in his army uniform. He looked at it and laughed. Laughed like a demon, slowly the laugh dissolved into a howl. It came from the deepest part of his soul. He stripped down in front of the mirror and picked up his leather belt. Raising his right hand, he smashed it right across his back and it hurt him. He felt agonizing pain. That is what he wanted to feel while he thought of how he had made that monster of a bomb. How he had used science in a way that left the mothers crying and the children whining, with hands stretched out. Hoping their mother would hold it. All the men that were on their way back home, with their wives preparing their favourite kheer for dinner. He had peeled off all the skin from his back by now. It was bleeding, like the hearts of people who had lost someone, like the colour the mud turned into when there lay lifeless bodies on it. He'd gotten a new phone for himself with the money those bastards gave him. A new phone? He smashed the belt once more.

Reminiscence

She held back those little precious tears that would leave her eyes any minute. "Big girls don't cry", she thought to herself. Her temple was bursting into madness. Every tick on the clock strained and pinched her nerves. It was a plain disaster. She looked around- lying on the rusty old bed which clearly hadn't been dusted off since India's independence. A wooden chair, with the same dust layer over it lying beside her. Pink coloured walls with flakes of it coming off on the corners. She sat down. Looked around once more with the expression of utter hopelessness than disgust in her eyes. She wanted out. She wanted to get away from all those things which bounded her like the wildest lion of the lot forcefully caged somewhere. Somewhere where he could only dream of the never ending savannahs, the herds of deers and the rush of catching one of them. Her books lay wide open beside her with used steel plates of day before yesterday's dinner. It yet had the yellow stain which the maggi left. She decided to shut her eyes. And then she dreamt.
Dreamt of the city. The one which she knew would be the only place she ever wanted to be. Just with a sight of it, even in her dreams, her lips curled into a smile. She remembered how she felt like she was from here the first time she stepped into new york. The crisp chilly air which hit her with the first step outside the airport. She fell in love with the wind which made her numb to the core. "This is mine"- she'd thought to herself. The feeling of pure delight. Yes, delight- in its purest form. Those strangers who smiled at her- without even knowing who she is. The subways, which always had one homeless person singing with a guitar in his hand. The kind man who played "Jana Gana Mana" outside the statue of liberty. The man who kissed her lips right below the statue and told her she's the one. Oh, the man. She shuddered, the smile fading away now." Haah, the man"- she thought. Something wet rolled down her cheek which was red with blushing a moment back. Now, drained of colour. She opened her wet, bloodshot eyes- to the pink wall which had flakes coming out at the corner. 

The blind date

"Give yourself one more chance, it will work", I reassured Katherine as we sipped our evening coffee. It had become a ritual now. Everyday, we finish work and come here. "The corner shop" was our solace. It is here I've sat and listened to her talk endlessly. She has cried here. She has taken out her frustration here. She has jumped and squeaked with excitement here. All in front of me. After all, we are best friends. She has had a hard life where men are concerned. She was married for an year but it gradually fell apart. I don't think he was somebody to hold on to anyway. He slept with his socks on, who does that? I know that this one thing in her life has drilled a big hole right through her heart. The void she now tries to fill with men, alcohol and herbs. "I don't know if anybody will like me anymore. I have been with a lot of people now and it feels like they're just lifeless ghosts. I can't find happiness in anything. ", she said. "They are all fools, and plus this time its a blind date. Isn't it exciting? You don't even know the guy" She just nods her head, unsure. I know she is afraid. Afraid of the heartbreaks, the fights, the tears and the disaster that follows. She has a pure heart. Katherine has always been the one who genuinely gets attached and cares. It is her who has to put the pieces back together every time they fall apart. She needs a new life. She craves something stable, something which makes her feel the magic that love has. My thoughts are interrupted by justin bieber's ridiculous "as long as you love me". I never understood why on earth she put that as her ringtone. "Hello" she answers. "Yes, this is she." "Oh, hi. Yes I will be there at the Palm view at 7." She widens her eyes and I know who it is. She is fidgeting with her hair, nervous. "I will be in a purple dress". "Okay, I will see you". She hangs up. "Was it him? What did he say? How is his voice? Did he sound too desperate? Was he excited?" "Okay stop!" she interrupts me. "Clearly, he is not as excited as you are. And he is okay. But I just don't feel up to it. I think, no I am pretty sure I will screw this up too. Julia, I am terrified."
I open my eyes with my phone ringing. Checking the time 4am- I pick up the call. "Hulloh", I say in a completely sleepy way. "Okay, Julia get up!"- squeaks a very excited Katherine on the other side of the phone. "He swept me off my feet. He brought flowers, he has the best taste in wine. Oh sorry, his name is Dwayne. He's got those dirty green eyes we always said were a mark of an emotionally stable man. We stayed in the restaurant till 11. Then, we just walked through the central park to the twenty seventh avenue. He said he really thinks we can work and I'm meeting him again tomorrow. Julia? Are you there?"
10 years later I think of that night when I fell asleep while she went on for thirty minutes about how her first blind date was the only one she would ever want to be on. I look at Katherine and Dwayne, lost into each other. Dwayne looks at her like she is magic. Like every little thing she says is something he'd cherish and hold in his heart. I smile stupidly thinking of that time when none of us were sure. Sure of what would happen if she went on this blind date. What would happen if she took the leap once more and landed on her face. I see them cooking together in their kitchen, sneaking a kiss or two as they face each other and I know. I know that all it takes to get through this terribly unfair thing called life- is just one person.